A Home for the Holidays

If you enjoyed hearing some of our Iowa foster care adoption stories this past November, then you won't want to miss this:

CBS will air its 14th annual "A Home for the Holidays" special on Dec. 19 at 7 p.m. (Central time), featuring powerful foster care adoption stories and musical performances by an all-star cast.

Brought to you by Wendy's, the Children's Action Network, Triage Productions and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

Save the date!

Leslie's Story

Thank you to all the families who shared a National Adoption Month reflection with us this November! It's been truly powerful to read the unique and personal perspectives of families who have adopted through the foster care system. 

Today's story is from a mother who shares how becoming a foster and adoptive parent is an adventure of lifelong learning,

Leslie's Story

"My family has a mission field in our home.  We have two biological children and two adoptive children currently at the ages of 7, 6, 5, and 4.  Our adoption journey with Iowa began a little over a year ago, and we've been blessed to have a foster placement and adoption finalization all in that time.  It is not without its challenges.  While we had few legal battles, we have our share of meeting emotional needs of all of our children.  People talk about how flexible children are, and while they can endure, there is still hurt.  

We try to discuss those emotions of leaving families, moving, sharing time and attention with new siblings, and kind words, to name a few, before they become behaviors.  Even in those days where everything seems to be balanced (you know, contentment, smiles, and playing together among the laundry piles and dirty dishes), we realize how fragile the memories are under the surface.

Our adoption journey has challenged us to do things we'd never dreamed of.  I now homeschool one of our sons in order to work on the attachment and behavior training that he didn't get when he was younger.   The conversations I have with my young children are some I'd never planned until my children were much older, but their history requires me to do this for them.  I have learned to discipline with empathy and words.  Not that I had ever wanted to use corporal punishment, but this gave me the reason to learn new discipline strategies.  And finally, it is a huge challenge to be a parent who has to directly teach a child to trust you.  

We've only been doing this for a year, and there are days when I wonder how I'll ever make it through.  I look up to the families who have done this for years, and especially those who continue to help child after child.  I assume the joys will bring us through all the tough lessons that it is our responsibility to teach. I delight in watching my children have new experiences as we travel with them. It is wonderful to see them learn about Jesus and his unconditional love that they yearn for. I am glad that my children will learn to empathize and serve others through what goes on in our home.  I can't imagine what other life lessons are in store for us after this first year."

- Leslie

Shirley's Story

Today's National Adoption Month story is an inspiring reflection by a family who didn't expect to adopt, but ultimately ended up forming a meaningful and permanent bond with both a sibling group and their biological mother.

Shirley's Story

"Back when my oldest son was in high school, my sister asked me if we had ever thought about becoming foster parents.  We were so busy with our own kids that I didn’t consider the thought, but the seed was planted.  I started working at school as a paraeducator (teacher’s aide) about that same time, and I knew about some of the kids that were in foster care.

Later, I presented the idea of becoming foster parents to my husband.  Our daughter was in eighth grade and the others (we had two boys and five girls until we adopted) were out of the house. So, here we sat with a quiet, almost empty, five bedroom house and Katie (our eight grader and only one home at the time) was excited about the idea.

We got our license in June of 2007.  We got the three kids that we have adopted a year and a half later and have had them ever since.  

I can remember a conversation that I was having with my sister at one time earlier. I said to her, “Don’t you think that a child would be better off taken out of the birth family’s home?” and I will never forget her answer. “That is all that child has ever known and that is all they want, no matter how bad we think it may be," she said.

That comment has stuck with me throughout the years, and it is so true.  No matter how good of a life we think we can give these children, it may not be what they truly need or want.  

The birth mother of the three children we eventually adopted had gone away for intensive rehabilitation due to domestic violence and drugs.  When she came back, I could see she was struggling, getting back into the same crowd, not showing up for appointments, making excuses why she couldn’t call or do visits as expected. 

It was very evident that she loved them and they loved her. I could see so clearly what she needed to do to get her kids back, and to me it was so simple. I would ask myself all the time, "Why couldn't she put them first?" I told my social worker once what I would do if she was my daughter. And he put it into perspective for me, reminding me that she may not have had a mother who supported her. That is when I started having empathy for her situation. I would tell prospective families to keep an open mind. Don't be judgmental, and be open to a birth family's differences for that is all the kids know and they love their parents. I always try to think that if it was my daughter in that situation, I would want someone to help her out.

Eventually, we asked her if she would ever think about giving us guardianship or letting us adopt the kids.  She was very appreciative that we would do that for the kids and would give it some thought.

We eventually did adopt them, and after adoption, their birth mom continues to visit once a week for approximately an hour. This has helped tremendously in keeping the kids stable.  She has expressed her appreciation for what we are doing for her kids many times.  We had an adoption party the day of the adoption and she came before the big crowd of people showed up. 

She had voluntarily decided to terminate her parental rights, and about a week before the termination court date she and I sat down with the kids to tell them.  

I think she said it perfectly: “This isn’t the perfect solution, but you will only have that many more people to love you. Shirley and Ed will take good care of you."

And she is so right. If we can keep working together, they will have a whole tribe of people to love and care for them.  

The ultimate goal for my whole family is to make a difference in the life of a child, in this case being, the lives of our three special children!"

- Shirley

Kaylynn's Story

Today's National Adoption Month story is a beautiful reflection from 19-year-old Kaylynn on what it meant to be adopted by her aunt and uncle and her admiration for the impact they have had on her life and in the lives of other kids. 

Thank you to the many relative families in Iowa who come forward when a child they love needs a home!

Kaylynn's Story

"I came to their home in 1997 as a frightened, scared little 3-year-old. My brother, a newborn, had just been discharged from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I think at first we were all frightened. They had three children, ages 14, 13 and 10. They were so excited to welcome us!

Our new foster parents were also our aunt and uncle. They watched us play; discover new experiences, loved us and made us feel secure. They sought therapy for me, and helped me to overcome issues I had suffered from my past. Our birth parents continued to work on parenting and addiction issues; to this day they’ve never been able to overcome. The weeks turned into months, the months into years and we were not reunified with our birth parents. 

Our foster parents became mom and dad to us and we don’t remember any different. We were adopted when my brother was two and I was five. Our parents have never shown partiality between any of us five children. We all were loved the same, had the same opportunities in life and they continue to be there for all of us.

I have never thought of my new family as any less than my real family, my mom, dad, brothers and sister. I am so grateful for foster parents (aunt and uncle)! I continue to have an admiration for what my parents have done for my brother and I and continue to do for other children and families in need.

I am currently 19 years old and recently became a mother to a beautiful daughter! I am so grateful I had the opportunity to live in a home where unconditional love was shown and experienced firsthand the difference a healthy mother and father can make."

Thank you for letting me share my story!"

- Kaylynn 

Bonnie's Story

In addition to a supportive home, sometimes additional resources, such as counseling or skill-building, are needed to help children in foster care gain stability or build new skills for success. That's part of the reason why Iowa offers a unique post-adoption support service to help families and children weather challenges long after an adoption is finalized. For today's National Adoption Month story, an adoptive mother shares her family's journey of patience, advocacy and love to provide a trusted environment for a child to succeed.

Bonnie's Story

"When our little girl  came to us, she was only three years old. Her diagnosis of severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) was soon substantiated. This little girl did not want to be touched, held, or rocked. If we tried to read her at bedtime story, she would push us off her bed. It took us a bit of time to figure out her boundaries and the triggers that would cause her huge meltdowns. We soon learned that transitions were very hard for her – whether it be shutting off the TV, taking a toy out of her hands when it was time to clean up, or basically any change in activity. At times, these triggers would send her into repeated screaming fits that could last up to an hour. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times that I considered giving my 10-day notice. Her behavior helped explain why I was home #4 in the short 18 months she had been in foster care. 

However, there was something about this little girl that immediately captured our hearts. Day by day we began to learn more about her and see the sweet little innocence that laid beneath her thick exterior wall. I soon discovered that she was ticklish so I would swoop her up, blow on her tummy, and immediately set her back down so I wasn’t in her personal space too long; she loved our new little game and would giggle every time I repeated these actions.  This is how she began learning that our touch was ok. I also began researching RAD and attending as many foster care trainings as I could find about this disorder. It simply broke my heart to think how this little 3-year-old gorgeous blue-eyed child was fearful of close relationships and letting anyone into her tiny little world to love her. 

A note from Bonnie's daughter

But we did fall in love with her and as an experienced parent with years of parenting under my belt, I also knew that emotionally she would not survive another move.  Although I knew that she came with many challenges (including some developmental delays and ADHD), it didn’t take us long to decide that we wanted to adopt her once discovering that she would need an adoptive home.  We wanted to be her forever family and home. I remember approaching this then 4-year-old with the idea of becoming part of our family and having me be her new mom.  She looked at me with some apprehension in her eyes but still said she thought that would be ok (which I think was the best she could do). I promised her that I would always love her and that we would always take care of her. Then I held my breath until the adoption was final.

I cannot even begin to tell you of all the joys this darling little girl brings to our lives! This now 11-year-old is bright, loving, compassionate, and displays a terrific sense of humor. We give many thanks to the private Christian school we chose because the teachers and staff have been outstanding. We knew she needed a small student teacher ratio and teachers who were willing to build a close loving relationship with her because of her RAD and general trust issues. She has done so well that I many times forget where she started.  

Medication management is still a part of our daily routine and certain challenges can still arise but these are small prices to pay for the many blessings we receive. Two years after her adoption, we adopted another foster child who is as much her younger sister as any biological sister could be. Both of these girls are not just a part of our family; they are part of our hearts just as if I physically bore them myself. Don’t ever doubt what a loving home, proper medication management, counseling, and a trusting safe environment can do to heal the hearts and lives of these wounded children. Our lives would not be complete without these special children in our lives and in our hearts."

- Bonnie